Search Mania 5

The search terms are piling up, so it's time for another Search Mania post. The list below contains search terms that random people have used in the last few months to reach this blog. For example, someone types in "don’t buy puppies from Mennonite" at Google, and a page from this blog pops up as a search result that they click on, presumably followed quickly by muttering and cursing that this isn't at all what they were looking for.

My favorites this time around are "better than crazy talk" (hey, that would make a great blog name) and "-1" which is probably a software bug in the web tracking tool, but it does make for a good quantification of the quality of this blog.

I've stopped even counting "Mennonite porn" searches. It remains a popular search term, but the joke is getting really old. Also, my pastor misunderstood what I was talking about the last time I did this, and thought I was encouraging people to download porn. What can I say - technology is hard to understand sometimes.

So, here they are. Enjoy.


not invented by myself syndrome
better than crazy talk
anonymous blog comment george clooney –password
silver unitards
mennonite rule guide
what is the building in chicago that the charachters are sliding down in adventures in babysitting
peer pressure is good
charity is selfish does not solve poverty
closeing statements about racial stereotypes
dear jack i want a man who know what love is
right eye strength material
do Mennonites drink
you sing some sappy song and you pray
armed guards service yoder
mennonites torture
money or love
anti mennonite t shirts
mennonite daylight savings time
people found in fourth circle of hell
white male smile
don’t buy puppies from Mennonite
do the receivers of charity hate the giver
terrorism is the new communism shirt
mennonite sex
dead mouse wall stink
dead mouse with black stuff
a panda walks into a cafe interpretation
chief illiniwek bronze statue
pictures of cute mennonite girls
juno quotes you don’t stare at my stomach
how do i find a dead mouse
she left me for jesus
what to wear in bogota in june
terribly nice Mennonite
organized charity just allows people who should be helping themselves to become lazy
mennonite cartoons
mennonite jew
do mennonites like sex
mennonites with cell phone
living conditions for the plantation owner
a list of mennonite stereotypes
black specks in bowel movement
song and she left me for jesus
what about mennonite porn
idolatry of security
mennonite usa teaching on hell
mennonite freedoms
menonite cheese
feed the poor saint communist
mennonites singing angry words song
how did the mennonites survive
antichrist: islam’s awaited messiah
obama Mennonite
what do i do about a dead mouse in my wall
dead Mennonite
corny the Mennonite
mennonite love
how much do sugar plantations cost
mennonite babies pictures of
-1
god playing need
photos of men peeing
mennonite video game
mennonites are stupid
how do i find a stinking dead mouse
stuffed chief illiniwek doll
funny mennonite songs
medieval word for pee
mennonite rituals
mennonites and memorial day speeches
panda with gun
do you agree with terrorist using violence
sample rejection letter for freedom information
main causes of peer pressure in America
mennonite are people good or bad
having power and not using it

Search Mania 4

I haven't put up search terms in awhile, so here goes. These are actual search terms people have used and clicked through to some page or other on this blog.

All I can say is that there continues to be a disturbing number of ways people reach this blog.

However, I am saddened to report that I have dropped to the number three spot for google search results for the phrase "mennonite porn." I am hoping this post moves me back into the number two spot, where I rightfully belong, just under the actual mennonite porn site.

My favorite this time around: ideological love weenie. Other than being the possible name of an alternative rock band, I can think of no other use for such a phrase.

Here they are:

do mennonites burn their dresses
mennonite department of peace
mennonite Lubbock
Mennonite juice
mennonite love sex
mennonites and sex
dead rodent inside wall stink
how long will a mouse smell
bumbling democrats
mennonite porn
mennonite murder
spelling motivation
nasty Mennonites
why mennonites stink
dead mouse can't find what to do
moral issues all about the indian dress
mennonite rituals and ceremonies
secret evidence champaign
are mennonites allowed to hunt
proud to be Mennonite
how long before a dead mouse stop stinking
mennonite national anthem
amish milkman murder
disability jokes
do christians think that charity makes people lazy
butt for a pillow
bowels stink
eric forman annoying
mennonite see the panties
mennonites treatment of animals
list of things mennonites cannot do
jesus teaching hell
corny the Mennonite
so misunderstood commercial
ideological love weenie
mennonite anti America
people against giving money to charity
when in doubt escalate a situation
4th circle of hell
are mennonites socialists
good peer pressure
idolatry of security - social security
mennonite hair
arguing with fundies
using mind control for mennonite religion
where does the free rice go to
nasty valantine quotes
lame valentines day quotes
using mind control for mennonite religion
mennonites and slavery in the usa
jumper cables hooked to niples tv commercial
funny mennonite videos
how long are mouse years
mennonite and coercion
charity a cheap substitute for social justice
better than crazy talk program
why conservatives are wrong
purgatory for the gluttonous

Keyword Search Mania 3!

These keyword search posts are so easy that they feel cheap. And, they are probably getting a little stale, like a Church Lady skit from in the mid-90s.

So, this might be the last one. But, I feel honor bound to do at least one more, since I'm sure everyone has been waiting with mouse-baited breath for the answer to "How Long Do Dead Mice Stink?"

The answer: About a week. Wisps of dead mouse did linger for a lot longer. I'll have a spreadsheet graph made available for those interested in the full logarithmic decay.

For the keyword searches, "Mennonite porn" continues to be a popular way to reach this blog. I am now number two for google search results for that phrase (yes, I checked), and number one when it is fully spelled out to "Mennonite pornography." Hurray for me! I'll have to write mom about that - she'll be so proud that I'm number one among people who are more or less literate.

My favorite this time around is "congressmen who willfully take actions during wartime that damage morale and undermine the military are saboteurs and should be arrested exiled or hanged". Three separate people entered that phrase somewhere, or one person who really liked what I had to say about it. I'm not sure I would say it exactly that way though. I'd probably word it more like "Congressmen who have courage to do the right thing and cut off funding for an illegal and immoral war should be given flowers and kisses." I can see why someone would come here for guidance on what to do in that situation though.

Also, three people were very concerned about why Mennonites are so arrogant. It may have something to do with why we look so perfect (one person) and our secret "mennonite juice" (one person). I think it is because we are going to heaven, unlike everyone else we know.

OK, here they are, The Most Interesting Keyword Searches that have led people here since the last time I did this:

Mennonite Porn (11)
mennonite pornography
mennonite sex
why do the mennonites look so perfect
jesus violent Mennonite
minor chords in mennonite
just a little talk with jesus nwc
black specks in bowel movements (3)
poor vs wealthy pictures
dead bat in side walls stinks
mennonite stereotypes
mennonite of the Midwest
Mennonite movie
dead mouse in the wall stinks- what to do
famous amish figures
john howard yoder jokes
ritual around mascot in sport event
why do people want hillary clinton as president
need an essay on how peanuts makes us healthy
mennonite stereotypes (2)
possessed computers
committee jokes
head injury cartoons
a day in the life of a mennonite teenager
journey of salvation colors
tightly squeeze image
why are mennonites so arrogant (3)
ways to find a person who drunk beer
dead puppy pictures
irony in the fugitive
minors right to money
reasons for not being able to grow facial hair
phrase on the prowl
ten thousand villages exploit
wash away your sins with nun in a soap
what do mennonites look like
mennonite heresy
mennonite sex scandal
who was the 7 headed hydra’s parents
mennonite juice
democrat dark dungeon
amish medication
dirty mennonite
congressmen who willfully take actions during wartime that damage morale and undermine the military are saboteurs and should be arrested exiled or hanged (3)

“How long do dead mice stink” and other searches

It is time once again for what I expect will become a regular feature of this blog: The Most Interesting Search Strings People Have Used Lately To Find This Blog.” As with the last time I did this, these are all real searches with real people on the other end, God help us all.

I was inspired this time around by two things. First, I was reminded of interesting search strings when I entered “How long do dead mice stink” into google myself today. It being autumn and our home being the older, holey kind, I will let you guess why I would enter such a string.

A bit of advice: Try using traps before going directly to the poison. But I can’t complain too much, since the poison did what it claimed it would do: kill the mice. The problem is that the inside wall of our bathroom now really, really, really, really stinks, and not because the flu is going around or we live in unsanitary conditions (until now). So, now we just want to know when the mice’s revenge will subside. After a scientific search of the best internet blogs available, it looks like anywhere from one week to seven years. I’ll keep you informed in the next installment of Interesting Search Strings.

The second reason for this entry is to report the surprising number of people who apparently come to this site looking for porn. I’ve had just over one person a week reach me via “Mennonite porn,” and one person, who apparently wasn’t satisfied with those results, via “Mennonite porn help.” While many regular readers might equate the quality of my work with simple pornography, know that this isn’t a literal comparison.

However, the best thing about listing all of these here is that it will make it more likely that wierd and disturbing search strings will reach this blog in the future. So, I can only cross my fingers and hope that the next time someone wants to know about “black specks in bowel movements” or “spitwad blowers” that they come here, especially now that they are mentioned twice in this post alone.

So, here they are, with helpful numbers listed after the ones that were the result of multiple searches:

mennonite porn (9)
Mennonite porn help
mennonite beer
mennonites law enforcement
do mennonites drink beer
mennonite national anthem
joke shunning
mennonites want money
mennonites heresy
socialist party united states america Mennonites
most impeachable president
black specks in bowel movements
dodge church buses
dodge ram caught fire (2)
smurfit stone building lots and bats
projecting words on the wall for singing
could open veins happen in America
spitwad blowers
kids survive apocalypse
interesting ways to blow stuff up
violence, revenge and the amish
mennonite jewelry
attraction to teenagers (3)
inappropriate attraction to teenager
mennonite teenage boys
mennonite scandals
non violent extremist
minor candy companies
growing corn in the tropics
fiction children survive apocalyptic
what do native americans say about adultery
mennonites Hitler
americas immoral deeds
amish milkman murder
silly departments
social interactions of Mennonites
new communism in venezuela threat to America
mennonites torture us civil war
mennonites casket

Interesting Ways People Find This Blog

I use MVtracker to gather stats for this blog. I’m about to pass the 5,000 unique visitors mark, which is not grandly impressive, but not embarrassingly pathetic either.

I often wonder whether I should continue it all, but then someone I don’t know puts me on their blogroll, or someone I do know comments on a piece they liked, and I trod on again for awhile. I know, I know – it shouldn’t all be about other people’s reactions. Still, I started the blog to be some kind of a voice, and a voice shouting to an empty void is really just a crazy person talking to himself, something which I promised my friends and doctors to stop doing.

Most people reach this blog via internet searches, and MVTracker records the search so I can see what it was that brought them here. Unsurprisingly, a lot of them are searching for something Mennonite related, and are therefore fooled into coming here, not realizing how minor I really am. Still, it’s nice to know that 5,000 have been here, even if they were tricked into coming.

I’ve been saving the search strings when I remember to look at the blog stats, and then I keep the ones that are funny or interesting. Here are ones that have caught my eye over the last year:

can champaign get you drunk
what if a body is taller than the casket
mennonite hussein hanging
football without touching the floor record
fort wayne roller dome terrorist
the president sent the flag in bubble
mennonite porn
hitler purify world of jews
consumerism and eisenhower administration
mennonite fanatics
oppression of technologically advanced societies
mennonites and terrorists
why i hate Mennonites
dwarf doors
jesus loves osama
sexual predator democrats
chicken bus guatemala attack
what do the mennonites hate
harvest time corn what do you do with it
why dont mennonites like slavery
mennonite murder
pacifism misguided
rich and powerful people dont pay taxes
amish homosexual
can mennonites drink beer
mennonite homosexual
mennonites america problem
unable to grow facial hair properly
children and cabin fever
do you place your hand on heart to sing the national anthem
the word gob
tuk-tuks in Guatemala
inappropriate workplace behavior stories
congressmen who willfully take actions during wartime that damage morale
mennonite intolerance
chief illini jewelry
undeveloped sexually
fbi surveillance of Mennonites
mennonites on the ground in iraq
primitive physical torture photos
government spying Mennonite
dan schreiber comedian
do mennonite have facial hair
mennonite women photos
what happens when we are angry

I'm troubled that so many disturbing queries have led here, but hey, whatever it takes.

And yes, there are real people on the other side of these queries, so at one point someone did want to know how to get a large body in a casket, how to grow facial hair and why those incomprehensible Mennonites are against slavery.

Since I’m such a people pleaser, I can only say that I’m sorry I wasn’t able to help them, but that I now have a whole bunch of new ideas for blog posts.

But I can answer one question: Yes, as far as I'm concerned, Mennonites are allowed to drink beer. But only good beer. Mennonites should never drink Budweiser or Miller Lite.