Friday, May 09, 2008

The Wall of Manliness

Well, I guess it is sitzpinkler week here at MMM, because I just can’t resist one last entry on the men-peeing-sitting-down phenomenon. I originally thought it was a silly PC thing, then found out it was really a sanitation thing, and then learned that it has become a macho PC insult thing. Finally, I heard this pastor's thoughts on it below, after which I believe I’ll become an enthusiastic sitzpinkler going forward.

There’s so many money quotes in here that it is hard to choose just a few. Here’s the basic logic:

  • “Him that pisseth against the wall” is a phrase used 6 times in the Bible, which is the number of a man. I don’t know if it’s the number of one man or all men. Perhaps it is the number of The Man.

  • There’s a difference between men and women – men piss against the wall, and women don’t.

  • Recent translations of the Bible do not translate this phrase literally. They use “men” instead of “him that pisseth against the wall.” This is apparently a disgrace.

  • His main point, in his own words: “In Germany, they have signs that prohibit men from peeing standing up! … I was told that no man in Germany pees standing up. That’s where we are headed in this country my friends. We have a bunch of pastors who pee sitting down. We have the president of the United States who probably pees sitting down. We got a bunch of pastors and leaders who don’t stand up and pee against the wall like a man. That’s what’s wrong with America. 400 years ago, pastors used to stand up and preach that A MAN NEEDS TO BE A MAN!!!! The editors of the NIV and the new King James all pee sitting down! I’ll tell you something, I’m not going to pee sitting down! I’m going to Germany in about a month, and you’d better know I’m going to stand up everywhere I go!”

Yes, one of the biggest problems we face in America today is that men no longer piss on walls. Poverty, racism, and greed be damned – what God asks of us is to pee like a man. Well, the men anyway. I guess it’s the women’s jobs to handle all those other things, presumably after they clean up after the men.

Since God’s word is literal and unchanging, remind me not to accept any dinner invitations from this guy. I bet his walls at home are pretty disgusting by now.

Note that if we are going to be absolutely literal about it, God didn’t actually say men must pee standing up - just that they must pee against a wall. There’s no indication of direction, so there’s a loophole here. Perhaps you can pee sitting down if you use the wall as back support. Biblical scholars might need to jump in here to interpret, because I don't want to be on the wrong side of such a vitally important theological and patriotic issue.


Tim said...

OMG, what an incredibly misplaced thing to get worked up about. Why is it important whether men pee standing up or not? Just because we can, we have to? Does he have a similar rant about dogs licking their balls?

used 6 times in the Bible, which is the number of a man. I don’t know if it’s the number of one man or all men.

If my sources are correct, six (or anywhere between five and seven) is the number of the average man, if you get my drift.

I bet his walls at home are pretty disgusting

Best MMM line ever!

brownie said...

The late great Bob Marley:

"Get up, stand up,
stand up for your rights,"

I think holding on tight to a man's right to piss standing up, on a wall, on a ball, or in a hall, is exactly what he was talking about. Well, maybe.

PG said...

Well, since you brought it up... (And whenever the topic of penises is brought up, everything becomes punworthy. Like you could add "that's what she said" to it. Since you brought it up..

Since you brought it up, penises and circumcision and peeing and all things phallic are VERY VERY important in religions around the world. The penis references in the OT alone are fascinating. I even think the word fascinating has a root in the phallic. And the word root, probably, too, for that matter.

You realize of course that homosexuality -- the clashing of penises -- continues to be the #1 socio/political/theological issue of the day. (Lesbians, too, but not so much.)

As someone once said about Freud, "Read it and weep."

I have a rare copy of the 1970 study "The Sacred Mushroom and the Cross" (going for $75 on Amazon right now)which makes the claim that Christianity itself stems from a fertility cult, that Jesus was a code word for a phallic looking psychedelic mushroom and everything in the NT revolves around that.

Unrelated comment: Nice picture of Chloe in tonight's paper. She's certainly a beauty.

Fingtree said...

This just proves my theory: That all religion's are created equal, equally farcical.

j.daniel said...

you think that pastor is for real? he seemed pretty bogus to me. i guess if you must piss against a wall, i'd suggest a urinal. as for me, sitzpinkeln is great especially if you're half asleep in the middle of the night.

No Blood for Hubris said...


Visited his church's website. Double yikes.

Jason said...

I couldn't find this posted anywhere online to link to, so I thought I'd post it here. This is a portion of an article by Paul Krassner that appeared in Playboy Magazine 08/01:
I Stand, Therefore I am: One more wee battleground in the war between the sexes

As an adolescent I often masturbated in the bathroom with the aid of female fantasies, so it was quite logical that a great many of my dreams would include a coed bathroom as a locale. During the punk era, there were nightclubs that featured unisex bathrooms. And then the all-purpose bathroom in “Ally McBeal” empowered my original dreams to make their way into mainstream awareness. That’s why I love the latest bizarre rumor to come out of Sweden. According to an article by Jasper Gerard in “The Spectator,” young Swedish women are demanding that men use the lavatory in a strictly sedentary posture – that is, sitting down – not only for hygienic reasons, but also “because a man standing up to urinate is deemed to be triumphing in his masculinity and, by extension, degrading women. To micturate from the standing position is now viewed – among the more progressive Swedes – as the height of vulgarity and possibly suggestive of violence. Among the young, leftish intelligentsia there is also a view that to stand is a nasty macho gesture.” At Stockholm University, one feminist group hates urinals on the grounds that their basic construction is antiwoman. That group is not alone – a Swedish primary school has already eliminated the evil urinal before young male minds can be tainted. “It has long been one of the more imaginative examples of the feminist paranoia,” Gerard states, “that men engage in unacceptable, antiwomen practices while standing at the urinal.” But of course! Is there a man among us who doesn’t use the restroom as a place to conspire with his fellow men? Isn’t standing at a urinal the most logical place to strike up a friendly conversation? Isn’t that why men frequently visit the men’s room en masse, just like women? What the anti-urinal forces in Sweden lack in actual knowledge of male bathroom behavior (i.e., men look straight ahead, never glancing left or right, and they never speak, even if spoken to) they make up for in imagination (men chatting it up while aiming for the deodorant cake, plotting elaborate conspiracies that women never know about). “No, the answer is more subtle, according to a non-squatting Englishman,” says Gerard. “It is not so much a function of female suspicion as of women’s desire for absolute equality. Voting, fighting, learning and indeed yearning were all pastimes once denied women. So to achieve absolute equality, the Swedish sisters have stripped men of their remaining dignity and plunked them on the potty.” Young Swedish men comply, he says, out of a sense of justice. In other words, they don’t feel it is right that they should have the sole advantage of a fire-and-forget physique.

Angela said...

He's going to be surprised when he gets to Germany and finds out not only do they pee standing up, but they often leave the public restroom doors propped open for air circulation, leaving the men, er, exposed. That's if they bother to find a bathroom at all, men peeing (standing up!) on the side of the road while leaning against their cars were common sights when I lived in Germany.

Mikee said...

A man and a women in a bar are arguing about which sex is greatest. The argument eventually devolves to the man saying, "Heck, I can pee standing up. Can you?"

The woman replies, "Not only can I pee without sitting down, I can pee higher up a wall than you can!"

A bet is quickly made, and the two head out the back door, followed by most of the bar patrons, to see who will win.

The man, being gentlemanly, suggests the woman go first. She hikes up her skirt, pulls down her panties, leans backwards like a gymnast until her head is nearly touching the ground, and lets fly a stream that leaves a mark about 10 feet high on the wall.

The man, obviously impressed, hoping not to lose his wager, zips down, reaches in, pulls out and aims as high as he can on the wall.

Just before he lets loose with a stream of beer-powered urine, the woman quietly admonishes him, "Hey - no hands!"