Monday, April 13, 2009

The Bush That Lived


This is the bush that lives at the end of my driveway. It's the one that blocks my neighbor's view when he pulls out of his driveway, and I agreed to cut down, being the good neighbor that I am.

Three times I have hacked this bush down to its stumpy core.

I have twice poured root killer on its roots, after slicing them open.

I once even poured a toxic mixture of paint thinner and deck stain on it, which is probably illegal to do. A prime example of how frustration breeds criminality.

But it's spring again and the evil bush is back.

Actually, although you can't see it so well from this angle, a lot of it has died. Just not all of it. It is the Voldemort of bushes. I believe it has split its soul into seven pieces, even though I've killed it nine times.

So, good readers, how do you kill the final piece of a soulless, undead bush?

Just don't recommend setting fire to it. That pole sitting next to it supports all the electricity going to my neighborhood. I'm sure they would find me if I burned it down. Plus, I'm not even convinced that would kill the bush. I need an elderwand or basilisk fang or something.

19 comments:

BMG said...

You just need a good shovel, a strong back, and the loser dad mocking your ineptitude while you dig.

Amy said...

Wow. You are quite the organic gardener.

Sounds like you will have to shovel out the plant, and pull out the roots.

And you might want to get your water tested. ;)

Dan S said...

The loser dad mocks my ineptitude whether I'm digging or not, so at least that part is covered.

The problem with digging is that it is wedged between a street, two driveways, and a utility pole, so my approach angle is limited. But alas, you are both right. My penance for resorting to chemicals probably requires some good old fashioned hard work.

PG said...

Thankfully, that is the only bush you have to complain about these days.

Paul Roub said...

Ask me to take care of it. I'll read up on the species, buy all the right fertilizers, water it just so, and it'll be dead in weeks. It's my super power.

Tim said...

Can't you just, um, shoot it or something? You're an American, fer chrissakes! We can kill anything we set our mind to!!

Good one, PG.

brownie said...

I suggest hacking off one of its branches, removing the Ring of Bark, waiting 300 generations, and having some distant decendent take the Ring to Mauna Kea in Hawai'i and casting it into the Crack of Fire. Then, and only then, will the evil of this unholy bush bedevil the world no longer.

PG said...

Yes, Brownie and I will go with you on this journey. Barefooted. Eating four times a day. To Hawaii.

Dan S said...

Great idea Paul. I should have thought about that myself, since I also have the touch for killing plants I try to nurture.

Nonetheless, if you are ever driving down Clark street, I'd appreciate it if you could stop by and physically touch the plant, to see if that helps.

And, I guess it wouldn't hurt to gather the Ring of Bark too, just in case. I just have to figure out where to store such an evil thing for 300 generations.

equa yona(Big Bear) said...

Why, these guys are MOCKING you!!
Seriously, since you have no qualms about chemical use, do noy cut tje branches off. Drench the in RoundUp brush killer. Do this several times this season. The leaves are the transport system to kill the roots. The RoundUp orta do it.
Oh, chanting,"Die, die, die you son of a bush" while you spray would be good too.

Robert Sievers said...

Is there any way that you could tax it and force it give away some of its nutrients to surrounding bushes who aren't as well off?

PG said...

My young niece in Kansas, newly married, went to a tea party. Eight years of war, torture, corruption, and greed and not a peep of protest. Suddenly, she's out in the streets protesting the evil of taxes. Because, that's what Jesus would do.

Dan S said...

Bob, you say that as if sharing with the less fortunate is a bad thing.

I guess we could force it to give its nutrients to a campaign to poison or torture our neighbor's bushes, which we believe are a threat to us.

PG said...

I'm not sure this link will work unless you are on Facebook, or even then, but here's a quote from a book detailing the historical link between anarchism, Anabaptism, and anti-property attitudes.

http://tinyurl.com/anarchyanabaptist

Robert Sievers said...

Teaching your kids to ride a bicycle is a good thing too, but I don't want a government beaurocrat doing it.

1 Corinthians 13:3

Dan S said...

Then it's a good thing no one is suggesting that government bureaucrats should stop being administrators of government to become bike riding instructors.

PG said...

Nice Bible verse, Robert. Interesting how one interprets reasons not to be charitable, not to give, not to pay taxes.

Deregulation and other financial shenanigans of conservatives relied upon some presumed goodness (or "love" as your verse has it) and the trickle-down effect, noblesse oblige.

But greed grew, as it always does, and remains imperceptible to the people living it. They always "need" more.

There are many other Bible verses that promote the idea of not accumulating riches on earth, but -- as far as I can tell -- the Republicans are all about the money, which they are demonstrating more than ever at the moment.

I was still stewing this afternoon thinking about the way Giuliani and Palin mocked Obama for his service work as a community organizer.

Robert Sievers said...

Woah,

Who said anything about not being charitable. Being charitable is great. I am saying the governemnt does a horrible job of it.

There are lots of Bible verses about what people should and shouldn't do. pg, do you suggest we create a governmental system to force us to adhere to them, or is it your belief that we shuld allow people the freedom to follow their own beliefs, though possibly misguided. It's a simple question really.

PG said...

I think both. I appreciate social services. Left to their own devices, rich people haven't proven to be very charitable. Our health care system is a crime.

My friend Hugh in Mexico (he retired there and is in his mid-seventies) just had major surgery that lasted 5 hours. It cost $600. That wouldn't even cover the aspirin in the U.S.