Home Run, Baby

Gore's comparison of Obama to Abe is a bit premature, but man, what a speech:



My friend Dave was disappointed that there were no references to Mennonites in Obama's speech. We'll see if the Republicans have anything to say on the subject next week.

Cute Overload

This is the most adorable thing I've seen in awhile:





If you are now suffering from cute overload, here's an antidote:

Hillary's Big Speech

Hillary said what she needed to during her big speech last night. But I just couldn't shake the feeling that underneath it all, she was having her own personal John McCain moment:

Joe Biden and 9/11

My Smile Politely column this week is a little about Joe Biden, and a lot about my 9/11 experience. Available here.

The Great Peanut Butter vs Pasta Sauce Debate

It turns out that both evolution and creationism are wrong, as determined by these highly scientific Internet videos:







Who knew that peanut butter and pasta sauce would be so useful in scientific debate?

There's only one reasonable conclusion we can draw from this: No biological life actually exists. We are really sentient computer programs created by the flying spaghetti monster's grad student in a lab somewhere in the cosmos. If you can prove me wrong, I'll eat an entire jar of peanut butter.


Of course, there are worse things than peanut butter. I'm glad I'm not an atheist, so I don't have to have nightmares like this one:


"The Atheists Nightmare"

Life Lessons from the Olympics

This week's Smile Politely column is now available: Olympic-Sized Life Lessons, where I list the things this year's Olympics has taught me.

Don't Buy List

This will be another week of light blog posting.

My Smile Polititely column this week is: Things you should never buy, which does not include knife magnets.

Bush Tours America

I'll know I've recovered from the Bush administration when I stop enjoying pieces like this. No luck so far, though:

Hiroshima Day

I celebrated Hiroshima Day yesterday by going to the White Sox-Tigers game with Anthony's little league. The White Sox showed their disapproval of nuclear weapons by beating the Tigers 5-1.

When I got back, the various liberal peacenik email lists I belong to celebrated it by sending me depressing emails. However, True Majority at least sent a fun video:




I think I'll continue to celebrate it this year with a letter to my congressperson, plus an entire pint of Chubby Hubby.

For Office Fans

My Smile Politely column this week is up (actually, it was posted yesterday but I was too busying whining). Available here.

It's for fans of the The Office, and describes Michael Scott as a white guy.

My McSweeney's Curse

So, I had just finished a list entitled "Things you can learn from relatives at family reunions" and was cautiously optimistic that it would be good enough for McSweeney's. I was all ready to go this morning, but checked their website one last time to verify their submission guidelines. Then I saw this morning's post was a piece on the same topic: A Field Guide to your Family Reunion.

Rats. I already had one piece rejected from them for being too similiar in topic to another one submitted around the same time. Oh well. I suppose family reunion inspired humor isn't terribly original as a topic during the summer. Nonetheless, does anyone have any suggestions for where to submit list-type humor pieces?

Here's the list, which is a continuation of a throw-away line from last week's Smile Politely column. Note that none of these items bear any direct relation to either my or Jill's family, whom I adore. In fact, my brother has a great summary of my actual family reunion.


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Things you can learn from relatives at family reunions:


Unsuccessful ways to treat bunions

Comprehensive information about the pre-school market in faraway cities

The countries your uncle thinks we should nuke

What your great-aunt really thinks about Jews, blacks and Muslims

There are some swell choices when it comes to erectile dysfunction medications

The outcomes of sporting events and family games can be affected by prayer

A Camaro is really smooth ride, baby, and also hot chicks just can’t keep their hands off your cousin

Why public schools are such a disgrace, especially to your brilliant yet underachieving nieces and nephews

The internets are hard to use, and also evil

How many beers it takes for each in-law to reveal his or her true feelings on various matters

There exists a finite but unbounded number of ways to split up reunion expenses

How to fake mayonnaise poisoning

Vote for the Ice Man

Lots of people want a president who bowls well, or who seems comfortable drinking a beer with ordinary people.

I've decided to base my decision on whether a candidate has the nerve to drain a 3 pointer on the first try in front of hundreds of people, knowing that millions of people will see eventually it: